Links for a chronological read:
1) ramblings of a 19 year old: https://yuanhuuuii.blogspot.com/2017/12/ramblings-of-19-year-old.html
2) my damaged brain and I: https://yuanhuuuii.blogspot.com/2018/06/my-damaged-brain-and-i.html
3) a very personal blogpost: https://yuanhuuuii.blogspot.com/2018/06/a-very-personal-blogpost.html
4) life is about learning, AND so much more!! : https://yuanhuuuii.blogspot.com/2018/06/life-is-about-learning-and-so-much-more.html
5) self identity under cognitive distortion: https://yuanhuuuii.blogspot.com/2018/06/i-accidentally-feel-asleep-with-my.html
6) Counselling therapy: https://yuanhuuuii.blogspot.com/2018/07/counselling-therapies.html
7) enlightenment!?!?: https://yuanhuuuii.blogspot.com/2018/06/enlightenment.html
8) Freeeeeeeeeeee (from myself): https://yuanhuuuii.blogspot.com/2018/07/freeeeeeeeeee.html-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before I start my story telling, I want to say that I am 99.9% fine with life now, and what I'm about to write is now a valuable memory to me.
Only a handful of people know this, but I've been to a counselling session once! At a place called "Turning Point" in Puchong.
Prior to this, I was skipping lectures and crying a lot, an average of 3 times in a day. For some reason, I couldn't reach common ground with my parents whenever we tried to have a conversation on this topic. So my dad actually recommended me to a centre where his psychologist friend worked at, and would foot the bill for how many sessions that I needed. (Ps, it was/ is touching that dad cared this much!)
On the second day after meeting up with dad, I phoned up the centre to book an appointment. All was fine until the receptionist asked me "can you briefly tell me what has been troubling you lately?", I had to revisit this collection of memories and started balling my eyes out in the living room of my empty hostel, while still trying to sound audible. It was that bad. (Oh man, if I were someone reading this post I probably couldn't understand what is there to cry?!?!/ but you know, perspectives.)
I managed to secure a booking on the next day. I had CSSC afterwards and it may be a rush to come back from Puchong but eh...a drowning man will clutch at a straw.
Upon reaching that centre, a girl opened the door for me, and from her voice I recognised her as the receptionist who listened to me cry the day before (HA HA) but I guess she must have had many other experiences too.
I filled out a form that mostly asked if I was suicidal/ depressed. (I was never suicidal, just chronically confused and until I lose most of my common sense/ logical thinking, leading to being depressed. Ps, self-diagnosed mild depression but most likely accurate.)
---------------
Then came in a woman in her fifties, (as I have requested a senior counsellor so that my parents would respect and believe the outcome of this whole thing as well I) dressed in a blue long sleeved blouse and plain long pants. I suppose what she wore is not important to note, but her aura in general was peaceful. Her first words to me were in a soft, humming whisper: "helllloooo, yuan huiiii, can you tell meeee why are you here todayyyy?'
WELL. That was a red flag for my inner skepticism. Is she the type who would eventually tell me how the world is all rainbows and butterflies, and that "it is what YOU make out of it"????
Anyway, I spent a good 30 minutes telling her the wholeeee story of what was troubling me. Surprisingly, the words came easy, maybe because I've been trying to make sense of what is happening that I already know how to say everything in a chronological, organised order.
She patiently listened without interrupting me at all, neither is she taking any notes; occasionally she nods, voicing out only to probe me to continue or to clarify what I've said.
After I was done talking, I can't remember how she phrased her words but she told me this: "I realise you way of thinking is in clumps, *motions with her hands* very tangled up and complex. Also, you contradict yourself a lot in what you told me just now, that's why I think you're very confused."
At that point, I didnt even realise I contradicted myself?? I mean, how often do people contradict themselves in one sitting/ in one flow of thought?
She continued, "There were 3 times you contradicted yourself, first is when you said you are indecisive, but you don't want people to decide for you. Second, when you say you would have chose to be in Medicine yourself if given the choice again, but now you want out. Third is when..... (I forgot what she said to me because I was too busy being amazed by her summarising/listening/counsellor skills).
After she told me whatever she summed up, I started to respect her more. Started to believe that counsellors are professional things that exist.
She also told me that my heart and my mind aren't connected. (Ps my first reaction to this was PSEUDOSCIENCE ALERT. SOMEONE IS TRYING TO PATRONISE ME) But then, she suggested to carry out a few "exercises" as she called it.
The first, a role-play. (I know, "role-plays"?Are you serious)
Where I was sitting, represents my heart. Across my chair, was an empty seat, to which she proclaimed to be "my brain". Round one, me being "my heart", I am supposed to talk to "my brain". To my surprise, my mind was blank most of the time. I had to force words out of my mouth. Maybe because I am not used to letting "my heart" speak. I said things like "you (ie my brain and its host ie me) should be happy. and do things that make you happy because life is not money blahblahblah". At the end of Round One, I cried...
Round two, sitting at the opposite chair, I am now representing "my brain". I straight away wiped my tears dry and smiled. Wow, words came too easy and everything sounded demanding, things like "You say you want to do what you want, but dont you need the money to? You say you want to be happy but will you really be without enough money to support yourslef blahblahblahablah".
Again, she did not tell me any of her opinion. Zero judgements from her. She just listened attentively and occasionally asked me open ended questions to help me "dig deep'.
Then, I went back to the "my heart" chair, and then to the "my brain" chair. After this whole activity, the unspoken truth of how "I should be happy because it's my life" was silently hanging in the air, and the whole picture was clearer. But I didn't believe it. I wan't convinced. Do I really choose to be "happy" instead of doing "what I'm supposed to"??
I told the counsellor: "Maybe because it's the first session, I feel like if i walk out of this door now I am still confused and don't know what to do."
OH, I forgot to add, before this whole session, she asked me what do I expect to achieve from therapy. Do I want her opinion on which "side" to choose or...? I told her, I dont need/ want your opinion, I hope you can help me make sense of what I really want.
Back to the story, so I am still unconvinced. She proposed to carry out a second "exercise". Now I was to stand beside the "my heart" chair.
She asked me, "Imagine today you walk out of this door, deciding to follow your heart. What is the first thing you would do?"
Me: Quit Medicine, take up Psychology. (yup)
Counsellor: What would your parents say?
Me: My parents would not approve, but I don't care.
Counsellor: What would your sister say?
Me: My sister would be proud of my choice for doing what I want to do.
Counsellor: Now, take a step in front.
Me: *physically steps in front*
Counsellor: 5 years already passed, now you're 25 years old, what are you doing NOW?
Me: Hmm,, probably graduated from uni, now taking up a job before I do my Masters.
Counsellor: What would your parents say?
Me: They still wouldn't understand my choice, but they have to.
Counsellor: What would your sister say?
Me: She would be happy with her life because she is doing what she likes, the same as me.
So it goes on, I take a step in front, 10 years have passed, now I am 30, 40, 50, 60, 70. Along the way she asked what will my parents and sister say of me. Along the way I told her how I wont get married because I cant afford children and because I want to be free. I told her I might only have enough money for basic expenses while living in a simple, single-storey house decorated with a lot of plants and a rattan door. Probably invite my sister to live with me if she's single. (HAHA) I'll probably brag to my old friends during a kopitiam breakfast about how "I almost became a doctor but I quit the path to follow my dreams".
When I've reached the 70 years old step, she said, "50 years ago today, a young Yuan Hui came to a therapy centre called Turning Point in Puchong. She is deeply confused with life. What would you advise her?"
Being a 70 year old who followed my heart, I said "You are lucky that you followed your heart, because look at me, I'm happy AND I'm living comfortably! Money doesn't make you happy, dear."
Then, we repeated this "exercise", this time, starting beside the "my brain" chair. Imagine walking out of this door, to follow your brain. What would you do? Along the steps of being 25, 30, 40, 50 etc, I told her I will continue Medicine, still be very confused as to why am I doing this, still blaming society for always wanting more from me etc etc. Maybe I might get too caught up with wanting to be "successful" in my career that I value money a lot, and be deprived emotionally. This route, I will graduate from uni, get a job being a doctor, get married, have kids. At 50 when my kid wants to follow his/ her dream I wouldn't know what to advise him/ her.
Fianlly, I reach the 70 year old mark. The counsellor asked me, "50 years ago today, a young Yuan Hui came to a therapy centre called Turning Point in Puchong. She is deeply confused with life. What would you advise her?"
With a sad smile on my face, I said: "You were foolish for not jumping off this boat when you had the chance to. Now it is too late and you've lived your entire life not for yourself, but for someone else."
--------
After this activity, I was amazed by how effective it is. It helped me paint a virtual picture of every milestone of my life. And the one deemed "less successful" turned out fine!! It is not impossible to be happy and still live. The "successful" life on the other hand was so confusing. My comfortable life in the end was worth too big a sacrifice.
I know what I want now. I want to study Psychology, and it is OKAy to not be "as successful" by society's standards.
After thanking the counsellor and paying ~an AMOUNT~ of money (ps: my money, not my dad's), I walked out of the centre feeling brand new. I am going to quit Medicine after my Haemato CA. I am going to live for myself and not for anyone else.
I booked a Grab back, there isn't much time till my CSSC session. I guess it is okay to skip it. I'm going to quit anyway.
----------
I completely stopped studying for a few days after. My mood was much, much better.
----------
After a few days I thought of the second exercise. Hmm, it is flawed! The first route where I followed "my heart", was a bed of roses, true, life was simple and enough. But what if along the way, something bad happens, like what if somebody I love fell ill and needed a hefty amount for surgery?
It was a biased, one-sided exercise.
But I can now admit to myself that I know what I want! Psychology!
----------
Well, if this is a post about counselling therapies, then I must say that they are legitimate. What I found most interesting was that the counsellor did not, ever, tell me her opinion. This whole session where I changed from being confused to knowing what I want, was all through my own words and free-will. She also managed to solve my root problem through activities that fit. (Looking back at the exercise where she asked me what would my parents/ sister say, she probably chose that question because she knew I really care(D) about how other people see me). Would I recommend? 10/10 ABSOLUTELY. In fact, I think even people without life crises should go. Because they can discover something about themselves that they wouldn't have otherwise known.
But this is a post in my blog, a personal space where I record down what happened, and what happens after. Maybe I'll continue writing what happened next on another day, but for now, I can say that I know Psychology is what I want, but I CHOSE to be in Medicine, not for all the wrong reasons, but because I genuinely chose to. Another story for another day.
Till then, I'm back to being grateful and satisfied and balanced in life. It feels good to have my brain and my heart aligned.
No comments:
Post a Comment