But had I quit halfway to pursue Psychology overseas, I can hit that reset button in a place where nobody cares to impose any expectation on me. There, I'd dye my hair red/orange/pink (decisions, decisions) keep it long with curls, wear different headbands everyday. Put on intentionally loud, mismatched clothes to match my mood and my TATTOOS.
Tattoos, with an "s"--in the plural form, ie more than one 😂😂😂
(text below written on a different day:)
It's funny when I accuse "society" of wanting me to be a certain type of person, or confront my parents for always expecting something from me. But society wHO, exactly?? I can't even quote where I got this "idea of society" from. As for my parents, dad said they have ALWAYS trIED THEIR BEST to support me. And it's true. Piano classes when we were young, art classes, eating out at restaurants without looking at the price, having vacation overseas... These opportunities that they were not given when they themselves were young.
Then it means, I am the one left to blame~ for putting huge expectation on myself, thinking it is what others expect of me.
WELL. If this is the case, escaping from Medicine to do something else will not solve my root problem. I should be myself no matter WHERE I am in life.
That is when I reaaaallly considered getting a tattoo. I've always found them pretty to the eye, but now I want a rebellious hallmark on someplace visible, like on my arm, so that I can literally wear my identity on my sleeve~~
I haven't got one yet, due to the pain factor. Still considering. But during this sem break, at Bukit Bintang with Bud, I got a henna!! And if you squint a little, it looks just like a tattoo.
After getting inked (ayy), I hold myself differently as I walk, I don't care what other people think. Badass Yuan Hui is in town! HAHAH. Interestingly, a random stranger on the street saw my hand as I strolled by, and shouted "NICE TATTOO!" HAHAH
Then, in the mornings I (obsessively) play the piano for hours, at night, I draw/ paint.
Doing art day and night, with a
Circumstances haven't changed, but I have freeeed myself (am still freeing) from the intangible that has weighed me down.
One day we'll still die, but in the mean time, I'm going to ENJOY life, unleash my inner crazy more often.
That day when I went for the Teddy Mobile Clinic volunteering, I met this junior for the first time. I was a 100% me as if interacting with Yuan Ning. For example, when we got free soaps I put on a fake accent and purred "Mine is the rOsMEaRy BluSH what's yourrrs?" or when she said something and I thought of a song and just sang exaggerating every word HAHAH. At the end she told me something along the lines of "HAHA! You ah, always imagine something that's not there!!" And I took that as a huge compliment, because it transported me back to my childhood days where my sister and I came up with our games, made our own toys, pretended to be ice cream vendors, chefs, doctors. (One time, we decided to make a talent show in the living room. So we drew 2 tickets, and "secretly" left them somewhere our parents would "find them"; choreographed our wacky dance performance using the ringtone of our house phone. Then, when 8pm came, switch off the family TV to MAKE my parents WATCH OUR PERFORMANCE. When they turn the TV back on, we block their view on purpose.)
I didn't know what I was doing, but it was a LOT of fun. A few years after our childhood days, when I was trying to choose a future career, Yuan Ning out of the blue told me "I've always thought you'd do something creativity related, because you are the creative one". (Ps, that was the first time I started taking her seriously HAHA!)
Hmmm. I guess that's why I hated the rigidity of becoming a doctor, I pictured the road ahead being smooth and brightly-lit, but the pavements are dull and grey. The expressionless artist standing by can paint the whole scenery mainly with one colour, diluted with water.
I would prefer a road that is so colourful till my eyes hurt when light gets reflected off the vibrant marbled floor. Along the way, I should see people wearing everything I can never imagine: their loud outfits intentionally mismatched, their makeup horrendous, wild hair wild eyes... If anything, they have this in common: that twinkle in the pupils of their eyes? it is always there.
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For now, we can't teleport to another dimension. Which means we can only be here.
(As you can see, my conscience tends to fly off to somewhere else. Thats why for me, the most beneficial part of guided meditation is when I feel the weight of my butt on the chair, hear the sound of the ceiling fan, noticing the contact point of the arms on my legs etc to remind myself that I. Am. Here. )
Off-topic much, I am going to end here because meh,why not
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