I know I'm probably going to sound like a fool saying this (and I've considered changing my blog address
I feel like myself again!! Being excited to work hard to achieve my dream job (which, its specifics will remain unsaid in this post) and my dream life. For now, a dream life for me means having plenty of freedom (and full autonomy lol!!! and just enough money) to do whatever and travel wherever, like one of my relatives Laney. I think that is the right direction for me.
When people hear this, they'd be hating on me for sure, hahah! Because it sounds unrealistic, and me trying to "take the easy way out" or it's me "being in denial". Tbh when I met Laney for the first time I never knew such freedom existed in real life, under our societal culture. And generally people will go "that life is not for everyone", "it's impractical' and tell me to forget it.
People always tell me that life is "just this", and it has been difficult for me to hold on to my beliefs. Maybe I underestimate the hardship of getting here to be "jUsT ThIS", and maybe some part of the idea "just this" is true. Not everyone gets to achieve their dream life. But on the other hand some people [CONAN GRAY] in fact, get what they want! I remember in a video, Conan said "everyday I feel like I'm living in a dream that I'm afraid I'll wake up, because I still can't believe i'm here doing this" WOW. I guess the first step is to recognise what I want, and to work hard in that direction to achieve the bigger picture.
Tbh I don't really find travelling interesting. But my heart longs for different experiences in life, listening to stories from people of different backgrounds etc, attending cultural festivals with the locals,,, etc etc etc.
Previously when I wanted to do Psychology, sure it was because I'm partially interested in Psychology itself, and sure I have projects that my childhood self wishes to carry out, but more importantly, it is the fluidity in Psychology that I find intriguing. The part where I can disappear from the radar for a few months, come back after, and can still (possibly) be employed for a new project just to get enough money to disappear for a few months again, and then come back and find a new project. hahaha. Maybe learn how to invest in between to be safe. Ideals.
Actually I don't know, should I invest more time preparing for the USMLE exam, or should I spend time learning fluid skills (some rough idea include doing art/ practice story telling through media)
Guess I'll do both. Tbh i have a lot of time and I miss juggling too many things at once.
Suddenly I remember why I vowed to myself before that I'll never date/ get married/ have kids, because this^ is MY ideal life. (yuan hui 2018) hahaha. Not being bound to a place, or a responsibility, and not having to ask for permission from any-freaking-body before doing things.
Having someone to "ask permission from" sounds like the other person cares for you, but in reality, people can easily say "NO' just because their mood wasn't right when you asked, or because they "think" it's a waste of time, or they simply don't have any reason. Society has told them "NO", and now they'll tell you the same.
I've had this imagery in my mind for the longest time, since a few years back: me being a balloon, and human relationships are like the solid ground that tugs at the extreme end of my string, holding me back from flying higher up (and floating higher is what balloons are meant to do/ what I want to do)
Poorly worded, but the idea remains.
I don't know if this contradicts The Buddha's preaching for people to not 'want" anything. Ideally, I think the idea is when I let go of every "want", I will naturally feel in peace with myself and my surroundings. To desire, is to put myself in suffering.
Sufferings for a good cause, I'm willing to take on.
No comments:
Post a Comment