I accidentally woke up when my sister came into the room.
Neither of which, was my conscious decision.
Is there an ultimate way of living/ mindset that I can read up on and copy to be mine?
I feel like for the past almost one year, I've been chronically doubting myself. Like my senior would randomly tell me:
"
Yuan Hui is the kind of person who has her schedule arranged with beneficial activities, who wants to sleep early and wake up early with every day fulfilled.
Yuan Hui is actually very 凶 but she is all sweet and innocent when in front of people.
Yuan Hui is a person who 她想讲什么就讲的
........
"
HAHAH. ALL FROM THE SAME SENIOR.
And I'm awfully scared to know people's opinions about me. Good or bad, even the good I'd assume they are being courteous because how often do you point out someone's bad instead of her good?
And once I've heard these opinions of me, I don't know why but my brain automatically considered them as "BAD". Even though they sounded neutral, like an observation when he said it.
That day I've met a girl Mastering in Counselling, and I've briefly, for around 3 minutes told her my confusion about the world (Me: don't you think the world is like a see saw?? on one end, there's xxxxxxxx and on the other there's xxxxxxxx (I can't remember what I said) and my whole life is about the STRUGGLES of finding the "middle")
A moment of pause.
She suggested that I might have a symptom called "polarised thinking" under the giant umbrella of Cognitive Distortion. It's not a disease, she said, but when it happens you have to deal with it.
Polarized thinking
The productivity problem:
You got a C on a test. You begin telling yourself, “I always do badly on tests. What’s the point in studying when I’m going to fail anyway?” (ps: mine's the opposite. I strive for perfection and success and wanting to be the best that I can be. Anything below that is considered a failure for me)
The distortion:
When you start making “always” or “never” statements, it’s called polarized thinking. Everything is black and white. You’re always wrong. You’ll never succeed. Nothing ever goes the way you want it to. This can poison your thinking and turn a negative scenario into a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe you always do poorly on tests and choose not to study, you’ll continue to do poorly on tests.
How to fix it:
When you recognize that you’re thinking in a black-or-white, all-or-nothing sort of way, take a look at the situation on a scale of 0-100. On a test with a number grade, it’s easy. You got more right than you did wrong. In other situations, consider thinking of a similar scale. Focusing on the positives and the situation as a whole can help you maintain a healthy perspective.
I don't know why my senior's words changed me. I don't know why when my friend didn't want to stick around anymore (bc she has her own issues) that I think it's my fault. I tried to change myself too much and now I'm losing even the good parts of it.
Now my fitness level is down, my grades are down, and I avoid people so much OMG.
I can go for activities and raise my hand up to ask questions and tell everyone my opinion on things but ONLY IF I WENT FOR THE ACTIVITY ALONE.
I am so afraid of my identity of self as perceived by someone else. And I don't wan't to know. Which is sooo weird
CAUSE I SHOULD OWN IT, RIGHT?
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