my damaged brain and I

(Edit: depressive post ahead)

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It is at that one moment, when the whole situation is fucked up, that I realised the impact of my flaw. Now the flaw being insensitive, wait till next time when things blow up because of my poor time management! but if humans aren't meant to be perfect, then life would just be a constant struggle of balancing and keeping flaws in check, no chill and never a moment of letting things "be". Maybe the only way to chill is to cut out human connection, which can never be the ideal situation.

I don't know since when, have I been having this complicated personality and dark thoughts. Maybe I've only recently discovered this after having time in uni to spend with myself, on myself. 

I dont know. And I dont want to analyse this situation.

I just feel that it's hard or nearly impossible to find someone to put up with me, because not everyone understands that I dont always mean what I say, but if they do, it's not fair for them to stick around anyway.

I can be normal. I strive when occupied with work and goals. There's also the calm and peaceful side of me where I watch dodie singing and Conan Gray babbling on youtube and painting while listening to soft music. 

But sometimes, you're left with a cynical, sarcastic, insensitive me, who legitimately cares for the truth more than "feelings". Often times, I overthink things, I overthink people's intentions. Not only that, I will directly confront that person and seek for the truth. And sometimes it can be so destructive to the people around me, that I agree it's not fair for them to stay in my life.

It's not really a self-pity thing for me to ask people to not stay in my life.

It's a logical, calculated, well-thought-of fact.

Of course, I can make people like me by only saying the right things. I can stop overcomplicating things and stop my dark thoughts by refilling my brain with good positive vibes all the time. These will probably make me feel better, but should I really change this part of myself? I don't really want to. I like my brain and it's ability to think from many perspectives. I like my brain and its curiosity. The only condition is to paint more or do things that will give my mind an occasional break from its constant wandering.