Now that people know my blog address, i suddenly am hesitant to post bc i fear this might not be a safe space anymore... But then, the world is a big place, people have their owns lives and they don't care what I do. If they do, they care with good intentions, right?

见苦知福

This post is weird. I dont know what I'm talking about. And i dont feel like giving meaning to anything that does not have one. Or romanticise any experience.

Not every blogpost is well-written and politically correct. This is one of those, raw.

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I need to do more social work even after school starts. Once a week at least.

Although I say this, I don't feel super selfless at all. Maybe because I'm still young with unfulfilled desires, that I can't be 100% selfless...I'm afraid that if I am too nice, that I do not live for myself anymore...? Hmm. (Read a line from a book once: "that old guy is rich enough, he doesn't need to deceive anyone anymore"------same goes for desires vs being selfless i guess?)

My selfish reason to do more social work, is because it anchors/ grounds me to the ground, to what is here and important. Also, I enjoy being around people with big hearts. Also, these jobs are not demanding at all. A few hours every week in exchange for a good mental reset.

Honestly, maybe mental issues ARE first world problems. I don't need to pay hefty medical bills, or work in exchange for minimum wage, or... be a homeless refugee? Basically, my living circumstances are great.

Yes, feelings are real, being hopeless and confused in life is real too. I don't regret any of That, if I go  back in time and have a second chance at life, IT WILL STILL HAPPEN. I did not choose to get depressed, nor do I think that "I'm overthinking", because if something doesn't make sense, then it doesn't! That's why being wise is useful here, to solve your problems instead of dwelling in these unsolvable questions, or throwing a blanket over them just to want to be positive all the time. But we're so young, it's impossible to acquire so much wisdom.

But if possible, I don't want to be depressed ANYMORE. Because being depressed means losing all my energy all at once. I can't help myself, much less other people who ACTUALLY are in physical pain, who lost all their money and now on the streets, who got hit by a car out of the blue, whose kid got infected by HIV, whose kid got raped, whose kids are on drugs... These people, can use some real help A-S-A-P. And WOW, you actually can now, and even more so in the future! If only you'd stop drowning in sadness.

But lol, I didn't choose to be depressed and I never will WANt to. There's a slightttttttt possibility that it might happen again, say 20 years later for a completely different reason, but in the meantime, I should join more social work. And read more on Buddhism. For my own sake.

But i still want to feel a lot. To feel as much as I do now.