A very personal blogpost

This semester, I've been skipping lectures. All of them.
It all started with that one haematology lecturer who tends to not finish her sentences, and letting it drift off suddenly.

Also because life is getting monotonous lately, and being me, I'd always anticipate for things to change. Now I am changing it by "self-studying" at home. But not really well-disciplined because I have orientation things to design...

...and also because of social insecurities

By self-studying, I realised it's  toxic to stay at home for too long. Suddenly I wonder if I can stay at home for the rest of my life. Not only skipping lectures but skipping "life" and running away from problems at school. There is always a small community at home, and a lil one outside of it, there are always people whom I love and care, but minus all the social anxiety and drama and raging young adult hormones.

When I'm at home, I dont have to worry about anything socially related, like "what impression did i leave on that person" or "am I going to sit alone in that lecture".

But being at home, the scary part is when i contemplate about life. Subconsciously I do not want to face the truth. About life, and what I want from it. Because realisation will hit when I'm aware that my current reality as a first year med student does not align with what I think "truly matters" in life. I do not owe the world a "successful" life, I do not owe people the responsibility to heal, and especially I dont owe anyone 10+ years of my life or literally dedicating my whole entire existence to go after this profession. And yet, I can't bring myself to finally make "that" decision.

But then again, learning has always been fun for me. It's just that I can't picture myself being a doctor.   Some people have medical degrees and turn to another profession, no big deal. (BUT WHY THO. I GUESS ONLY BECAUSE THEY REALISE LATER.)

Yet, I cant find any grown up to talk to. Maybe because: 1. Adults are humans too, and they don't know what they're doing. 2. Most of them will only tell you what is "right": that the long, winding med school journey is just delayed gratification, and everything will turn out fine one day. HA. Maybe that day is when you realise that it's too late to turn back, you've no other options than to accept your current situation, and then label it as "destiny" to feel better about yourself.

Nobody would be honest with me. And I suppose I am not honest with myself too. Because I remember dad saying that if one day I really want to reroute, he'll support me. OMG, the consequences are on me. I can't blame anyone.

The only thing holding me back from quitting med school, is the fear that one day I'll look around and see friends who call themselves doctors, and regret my decision of quitting. Because I seem to do fairly well on my exams. But only because I am curious of knowledge in general.

I used to convince myself the choice to study medicine by placing my self-worth on it. But it led me to being superficial and insincere.

But of course, people can have simple reasons to why they want to become a doctor. For example they want to be surgeons after watching doctor related drama series. And sure, after putting in the hard work and persevering they will succeed. They will become doctors, living a noble life with a stable income, looking brilliant and successful in life.

And if you turn and look at the psychology grad, what would you think of her?

But then, looking at my sister, who should have gone for that music degree. What are you doing waiting for MMU Foundation in Law's July intake? What is this external force that dictates you your future. And why do you have to think to yourself "it's okay because by the time I graduate from Law I will only be 22 and still young enough to take up another profession" WHY. WHAT IS LIFE, SOCIETY AND ITS EXPECTATIONS?