currently very rooted with my being. i clearly realise why i want to be who i want to be and everything, but i feel that one day i'd start questioning myself again.
so this is a post for my future self who forgets how it felt to go through this episode of turbulence and the peace that came along.
hmmmm
at this point, i don't "do" something to get something back in return/ to achieve an outcome that benefits myself. in schools, and in the workplace, in a lot of the things that people do, we put something out or say something in a specific way or act in a specific way to get what we want.
for example, i need to share a fridge with Friend A who stays in a different unit with different housemates; to gain full access of the fridge, i need to build a good relationship with said housemates so that i can use the facilities there as i please. scenario 2, in a company workplace, for people to get a good impression of me, i need to dress myself up in clothes that i frankly have no feeling towards, as an act of formality. scenario 3, with friends, to have people to go to lunch with so that i don't appear abnormal, i need to present my best self so that they like me and are friends with me.
(all scenarios are hypothetical but i hope you get the gist)
maybe it is normal for the general people to act this way, but then... the motive behind every behaviour will become questionable, and impure.
it's difficult when i have been exposed to this method of living (from excessive goal chasing and co-curricular activities and a few calculative people around me and my own conscious choice)
but now i WANT to CHOOSE to be the kind one, the one with pure intentions. so that i'll never have to question my core self ever again.
just realised that i'm talking in circles...haha
i feel like, i can never achieve "enough" because there will still be more to chase after. so why bother chasing after each and every achievement/new idea just to fill up my invisible resume to impress myself?? i mean sure i can do that but it will only make me feel like i'm never enough and it's one of the worst feelings.
when people join events/ do things in general, where do their decisions stem from? lets say there's an event about saving baby monkeys. people join because:
i) they care about monkeys (do they really???)
ii) they want to add another achievement into their list of "things that i've done before"
iii) they have free time and just want to kill time
iv) they need activities to fill their time so that they feel useful
v) for the gram
WELL.
basic responsibilities aside, i hope i only do things for the fun. because do achievements matter in life? maybe yes. but now i'm on the road to being a doctor so i guess that itself is enough a basic safety net for me to not look back and feel i've wasted my life???
wow i'm messing with my own head hahah
actually i wanted to write up a post on "reasons to stay rooted with yourself" and "why you should stay kind" but then... i guess i dont have all this sorted out.
i want to practice giving. and focusing less on myself. and being kind and patient. and peaceful.
why?
because if i focus on myself and what i want, i'll start The Chase again, to go after things that will never be enough to satisfy my increasing demands on myself. nothing will be enough.
i believe "moderation" is the easiest way to live. anything excess will bring problems. like money, if you WANT more, you'll spend more and want more again. with achievements, if you have too many that people know of, there's this expectation to achieve bigger and MORE. with people, if you have more than you need, you'll have to spend more time and energy, or worse, to change yourself for these people.
"moderation" is the easiest, but not the only way to live. i should not be afraid of having "more" but to learn to cope with it. for instance, if scientists want to avoid having too much money or fame from their success, and spend their lives living AVERAGE????? that is bad.
i don't really know how to cope with having more than enough, but to keep myself and my values in check from time to time...? but for now i actively avoid having more than i need.
A List of Things:
1) Give, give and give not to everyone but to the people who deserve it (a.k.a. people who will not USE you and that have pure intentions)
2) INFP for as long as i can handle?
3) you know i want to be kind and i want to do things because it makes me feel good and because i want to do good, but it's difficult to let loose in front of new people. i extremely dislike people who have impure intentions. but when i'm on guard, it's difficult to be pure. so i think one of the best ways is to create a community with the people that i love so that i can always be pure without having to think twice. conclusion, filter out the good people and love them unconditionally.
4) team conan gray and team dodie forever.
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