That day, I've revisited my enneagram profile. Being a type Three, I'm fully aware of my flaws. And that I agree. The point that says Threes do not know their heart's true desires, after being conditioned to meet external demands, from society, or from any surrounding small community. This problem is deeply rooted probably ever since before SPM?
When people are arrogant, they don't just "want to be arrogant", but a series of life events has led them step by step into looking like they're arrogant externally, but in fact, their opinions and views remain logical, right and neutral to themselves.
When I don't know my heart's true desires because I've been doing everything good as determined by society, it's not just because "I want to ignore my feelings and go after a successful life", but one thing has led to the other in my life. During SPM, I've joined too many koko activities, because "cocuriculum marks are important". I've studied my butt off because "I need to get that scholarship". Sure, I've learned a lot throughout the journey, about perseverance, self-efficacy, friendship etc... Looking back, it was the most productive period ever, but I wish I knew what I was interested in, the not-so-cool things like drawing, maybe? Or which social circle do I belong to if not for what other people might think of me...? Where should I put my self-worth if not to be "the best that I can be"?
Funny how people would always find the "could have been's" in life, no matter how "successful" they might seem from the outside. Just like the prince from this story: http://www.movemequotes.com/story-of-buddha/
So, in IMU, I've been avoiding "the spotlight", not really talking to the "cool kids", because I know that if I step into that circle again, sure I'll get good friends and amazing results, but I won't ever discover myself with them...? Sometimes, when I'm with a big group of "cool friends", I'll act in a certain way, I'm more carefree, daring, fun-loving, adventurous, but maybe that isn't always me? An ideal social situation for me would be: lazing around NOT at a public setting, being comfortable in silence, being able to talk about anything and everything on my mind, maybe do something totally useless and random together (eg: I watch somebody cook their dinner? or we can... idk bake something together, only to find out that it tastes like shit, still we'd laugh about it and have fun?) withOUT posting pics everywhere on snapchat. Because it feels more authentic and intimate this way. The little things that only you and your friend know. Maybe authenticity is why I LOVE Conan Gray's youtube videos.
Anyway, interesting things have happened. I got to be depressed and sulky at school, people might have judged but at least I did it XD It was honestly a sad and hopeless phase but it was what I wanted to experience. I shunned away from getting a post in the tennis/ squash committee, I stopped initiating conversations at the dining table, I stopped studying too hard, I wasted my time in hostel by sleeping too much and "having nothing to do", I went for art classes while still depressed (must have shocked Ms Feeda when I first met her lol), I cried on the phone with my mum, cried in my room, cried in the living room... HAHA good times. I've made NEW friends that accepted me EVEN AFTER listening to my depressing thoughts and have stuck around ever since!! Thank you Grace!! Thank you Academic Services for putting me into group 20 for Sem 2 PBL!!!!
I guess I wanted to try living a "less productive" life ^ and see what happens. The balance between being useless vs being productive is still blur, but that's okay. Rediscovering oneself takes time. At least I'm not depressed now. But boy, it was hard getting out from it. Luckily I had AY and CN by my side. And Grace!
(Edit: suddenly realising that both my favourite youtubers, Conan Gray and dodie, share a few similarities in them. They're authentic, artistically talented, not afraid to be different, friend-loving, rather shy?, soft, happy, innocent... Maybe that is the type of person that I want to be?)
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