A dialogue with myself

: how are you?

; hmm, yesterday i had a whole day off for myself, i relaxed and felt good. this morning i had a good PBL session with my friends. I watched a video before hand and explained things well during PBL. i also enjoyed lunch (the chicken was good, as well as egg with baked beans). then i headed back to my hostel and took a nap before cssc started.


:hmmm! so you took a day of for yourself and had a productive morning, enjoyed your lunch and had time for a nap.



but then, for some reason i really wanted more sleep. i didn't feel like getting out of bed. my alarm went off but i told myself "a few more minutes"... then when i finally got up, i admitted to myself that i felt overwhelmed. i dont feel like getting up for class...

:you don't feel like getting out of bed? don't feel like getting up for class?

yeap... don't know whether is it because my bed is too comfortable with the air cond on, or is it because i'm avoiding going to class

:is it possible that you're avoiding going to class?

yeap very possible. because doing medicine still feels like a chore to me sometimes.

:i see... and going to class makes you feel what?

it feels like im doing things that i dont want to do, around people who are enthusiastic about what they learn. also, they might not understand the situation that i am in. 

:so you are worried that people misunderstand you? 

well... not really, i don't really care what people perceive me as anymore. previous experience has taught me to ignore other people's opinion of me. i dont think i am bothered by their opinion. i am actually practicing to let go.

:since you don't care of what other people think, why does being around enthusiastic people cause uneasy feelings in you? do they belittle you?

hmm... my group mates are very enthusiastic but they're very supportive. they cheered me on when i told them about my leg. they're like those "self-care" Instagram pages where even little things are celebrated. they are wonderful people.

:then how do they bother you? since you say they are nice people, because normally we like to be around nice people, right?

well i guess its not about them... maybe it's because I used to be one of them too

:one of them? 

yea... enthusiastic, passionate, high-achieving, friendly...eager to learn...

:i see... so what do you think of yourself now?

i'm just... feeling stuck. like I want an A for exam, but I haven't brought myself to study. I feel like I'm underachieving and not reaching my potential.


: so you've set a goal for youself and you know that you need to study to reach there. that's great! what does underachieving mean?

i think it means... to me it means.... not putting my best effort to actively participate and take interest in learning. i don't feel like learning...

:okay so to recap, you're feeling stressed lately from going to school, because you feel inadequate, not compared to your peers, but compared to your fullest potential, am I correct? 

yeah i guess you can say so.... it really isn't about my friends... I guess maybe I feel sorry for myself when I don't do my best... I know I can do so much better than this.

:better than this?

yeah... better than skipping classes, better than doing PBLs last minute, better than not being up-to-date with my lecture slides...better than being lazy i guess...

:so what's stopping you from attending classes, doing PBLs and being up-to-date with lecture slides? cause you already identified that you want to reach your fullest potential and you feel sorry for yourself when you don't, am i right?

what's stopping me? good question...

:is it a fear? a fear of....what?

hmm...maybe a fear of discomfort? or is it because i'm used to being comfortable for too long

:is it wrong being comfortable?

it's not wrong... comfortable is nice. it feels nice also. like when i cook for myself, go grocery shopping for myself... these are relaxing and comfortable things... but i guess, being comfortable when in front of studying is kinda bad. because, learning is always uncomfortable... i guess...

:so you've identified that sometimes comfort is good and sometimes it is bad in the long run, am i right?

yea i guess you can say so...


:so to recap, you say you're avoiding going to class because you aren't reaching your fullest potential and you feel sorry for yourself, however the discomfort that you feel during studying is stopping you, am i right?

yea you're right.

so is it true if i say that you can only choose 1, between being comfortable and to reach your fullest potential?

yeap it is true

so which one are you planning to choose?

to reach my fullest potential.... i guess T.T

but that means you have to study a lot, and prepare things beforehand though, are you sure that is what you want? you will face a lot of discomfort

yea i will face a lot of discomfort... that is true... but then i also want to get out of this rut that i am in... if not it feels like a never ending cycle.

a never ending cycle?

yea this cycle of feeling that results are not important, then i dont work hard enough, then my results aren't good, then i don't feel like studying...... the cycle goes on

are results important?

results are not important... but then i feel like i am wasting my time if i dont take studying seriously... i think it's the effort that i should really put in. also i don't like to dissapoint myself. it's okay if other people dissappoint me, but why am I doing that to myself leh~

okay so to recap, you don't feel like going to class because you feel pressured around your enthusiastic friends who remind you of who you once were, and that currently at this stage, you feel disappointed in yourself for not reaching your fullest potential. by "fullest potential" you don't measure it with your results, but whether you have put in your best effort, which includes overcoming discomfort, am I right?

yea you're right...

so what are you planning to do?

take my studies seriously lor....

even if it means facing discomfort?

yea i guess... discomfort feels far better than disappointing myself. the guilt from disappointing myself is killing me, i think

hmm! so we've got a plan now, to put in your best effort even if it means facing discomfort, because you would rather want that discomfort, rather than disappointing yourself, am I right?

well... if only i didnt have to choose between 2 baggage XD but i guess so... haih

actually what is the discomfort that you face? 

hmm? just... don't feel like studying lor... a lot of slides... have to prepare beforehand also...

is there a way to overcome it?

yea... maybe break them down into smaller portions, do a few a day... actually i believe that learning is fun, also because CNS is about the brain, so i particularly enjoy

hmm so it seems that in your mind you know a few study methods, and you actually enjoy learning, it's just the mental resistance that stops you from studying is it?

yeap...

like what I've said loh... which one do you want? the discomfort? or disaapointing yourself? there is no wrong or right, only a choice that you make for yourself...

yea loh... looking back i actually feel that we don't actually remember our discomfort once we've achieved the desired result. even the hard days will seem like, ah~ everything worth it

hmm! so you mean the discomfort is short lived whereas the result that you achieve is more worth it? is that what you're saying? 

yeap! at least from my experience la

so to recap, lately you're dissapointed in yourself that you aren't reaching your fullest potential, because studying means facing discomfort. but then, you also mentioned that the fruit of the result lasts longer, and that when you look back in retrospect, you won't remember the discomfort. you also said that leaning is fun and that you enjoy. it's just the mental resistance that surfaces and the thought that "you don't feel like it" am i right?

yeap

so what's your next step

to stop disappointing myself and to put in my best effort, despite the discomfort. maybe facing the discomfort is part of my learning experience as well.

comfort and discomfort, you can have both right? when you study, you face discomfort. then you can take some time off and cook yourself a nice lunch, have a nice nap, then you have the best of both worlds loh! this way you can feel comfortable, and at the same time, reach your fullest potential. 

actually the discomfort you face when you study, you also know a few methods to deal with it, right? so maybe it isn't THAT scary?

hmm! maybe! :O